Thursday, July 10, 2014

Desperation of a Trapped Wanderluster


I'm the kind of person who wants to see everything. I want to walk the streets of Paris and explore the bookshops of London. I want to get lost in Barcelona and drink wine on a summer night in Florence. I want to see the Egyptian pyramids and the Mayan Temples of South America. I want to watch the cherry blossoms rain over Kyoto, do yoga in India, and spend an evening writing on the green cliffs of Ireland.

I have trouble sitting still. I always have, really, but it is getting worse as I get older. I feel trapped. I am growing desperate to get out and see the world. I've been looking at the possibility of going abroad for grad school, or even forgoing grad school- for now anyway- and taking a gap year to travel. I could find a job that required travel or relocation. I could do freelance work and just work my way through Europe, three months at a time. Maybe I could make writing work. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I am the kind of person who struggles with the maybes of life.

My need to keep moving is shifting from wanderlust to anxiety, almost a feeling of claustrophobia. Last night I went from being almost asleep to being almost in tears because suddenly I could not stop thinking about the fact that I don't have my driver's license yet and how am I going to get it now and why the hell couldn't I have just passed that damn test the first time. I am confident that getting my license (and a car) would help. It would at least give me the freedom to get around locally when the urge to runaway for an afternoon came. But it would only be a partial solution, a half way fix.

I spent four weeks studying abroad in Turkey last summer. I got restless. I had to get out, had to go somewhere, anywhere. And a few months later I was on a plane bound for Istanbul. I had hoped that when I returned I would be able to anchor myself more easily, at least long enough for me to finish my undergrad and figure out what came next. And for a few months it did. But soon I was back online, looking at volunteer and internship opportunities across the pond. If I had been able to afford it I would have spent three weeks building schools in Tanzania this summer without a second thought. Instead, I settled for spending the summer in Grand Rapids, a small improvement, but still not nearly enough to satisfy my restless soul.

I know that someday I will watch the sun rise over the ocean from a sandy Thailand shore. Someday I will spend a summer in Amsterdam. Someday I will make a fool out of myself trying to order dinner in Berlin. But I am impatient woman with 2 years left before graduation. And I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with myself until then.

4 comments:

  1. Hey! Wordpress totally didn't tell me you were changing your blog name, and then I think Blogspot ate another comment... But I tagged you in the Writing Process Blog Tour yesterday. :)
    http://hannahgivens.wordpress.com/2014/07/11/the-writing-process-blog-tour/

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    1. Aww thanks so much, but I actually already did it already on my other blog The Fiction Diaries Thanks for thinking of me though (:

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    2. No prob. :) Just wanted to give you a shout out, and I'm glad I did since I found your new web address that way.

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  2. I know exactly how you feel - sometimes I want to just pack everything up and travel anywhere and everywhere!

    At the moment I can't possibly afford to go off travelling, but I find it helps to plan where I'd like to go, what I'd do at these places, and work out how I'm going to get there. If you know you're working towards travelling it doesn't feel so bad having to do the norm for now! That works for me anyway :) One of my friends are moving to Hong Kong next year, and another is moving to Australia at the same time - so I'm making myself feel better by planning to visit both of them!

    Hazel Jane xx

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